Little Grey Clouds

I want to shout from the rooftops but I wouldn’t know what to say. I search my soul for something meaningful to share with the world but I just draw a blank. My thoughts have been diluted with God knows what. A busy life and social media play a big part in my current brain fart. I feel pulled in so many different directions and I have neglected to focus on myself. I don’t have a clue how to nurture myself as other parents would testify “WHERE THE FUCK AM I GOING TO FIND TIME TO FUCKING LOOK AFTER MYSELF WHEN 2 (OR MORE) BRATS ARE RELYING ON ME FOR FUCKING EVERYTHING!” I find myself screaming this quite regularly throughout the working week, mostly silently through gritted teeth whilst kicking various abandoned shoes around the living room. I’m not solely blaming my pre-teen and teenager for my woes but they don’t help either. Neither does my low level addiction to social media. I dont know what I’m looking for if I’m being honest. Perhaps that eureka moment when I see something that sums up my mood or I’ve connected with someone that feels the same way as me. I rarely find anything that sums up my mood perfectly. Those cliche driven “yummy/slummy mummy posts/memes” serve only to distract the rest of us who are far from yummy and not in the least bit slummy. Parenting is neither yummy or slummy. It’s boring, relentless, thankless punctuated with the odd moment of pride, joy and in my case respect.

I have become invisible in my own skin. I look in the mirror and don’t recognise the pale bloated tired woman staring back at me. The woman who is currently talking to herself into actually getting ready and face the world. Don’t worry I’m not depressed but quite often I feel as though I have one of those little grey clouds hovering over me. I imagine it’s like I’ve gained one of those prizes on Mario Kart, I’ve been lumbered with the thunder and lighting cloud but I know it will go and I’ll gain some mushrooms and I’ll eventually be okay.

But don’t underestimate the woman who compares her life to a computer game. I realise life is not straightforward or a thrill a minute rollercoaster ride, we all make our way, choose our own path. For the most part parenting is repeating yourself to no avail, refereeing arguments over who can snaffle the last custard cream and turning lights off. I suppose if you can accept that with a small dose of humour and a 2 fingered salute to the brigade of “isn’t parenting insert a overused media driven cliche here ” then you’ll be okay, I’ll be okay and the kids will not notice they are okay because they are too busy taking pictures of their feet and updating their Snapchat story.

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